I Was Terrible at Math Growing Up—How Can I Support My Child's Math Learning?
Growing up, I dreaded every math class. Now my second-grader asks me for help and I panic. Here's what I discovered: my child doesn't need me to be good at math—they need me to care.
Growing up, I hated math with every fiber of my being. My grades in math were consistently the lowest among all subjects. The night before every math test, I'd have anxiety nightmares. Even now, decades later, I can recall that specific sick feeling in my stomach during math class. When my son entered second grade and started bringing home math homework, a familiar dread crept in. Every time he asks me a question, I freeze—not because the problems are necessarily hard, but because I'm terrified he'll discover his mother doesn't know the answer. I've spent months grappling with this fear, and what I've learned has transformed my understanding of what parental support actually means.
The Secret Fear of Math-Phobic Parents
Let me be honest about the thoughts that run through my head when my son asks for math help. 'What if I teach him wrong?' 'What if he realizes I'm clueless?' 'What if my math incompetence is somehow genetic and he's doomed to struggle too?' These fears feel irrational when I write them down, but in the moment, they're overwhelming.
Last month, my son showed me a third-grade math problem. I stared at it, completely confused by the wording—modern math problems are phrased so differently from what I remember. I had to quietly Google the approach while pretending to 'think about it.' In that moment, I felt like the world's biggest fraud. How could I possibly help my child succeed in something I'd failed at my entire life?
If you're reading this because you share my math anxiety and fear you'll pass it on to your children—take a breath. I've learned that our relationship with math doesn't have to become our children's inheritance. And surprisingly, our very weakness can become a strength if we approach it correctly.
The Question That Changed Everything
One evening, after another homework session where I felt incompetent and anxious, I asked myself a different question: 'What does my son actually need from me?' I'd been assuming he needed me to solve his problems, explain concepts, and demonstrate mathematical competence. But is that true?
If I solve problems for him, what does he learn? Nothing—except that Mom will do his work. If I explain concepts I barely understand myself, what does he learn? Confusion from my confused explanations. The skills I thought I needed to provide weren't things I should be providing anyway, even if I were capable.
What Children Actually Need vs. What We Think They Need
| What I Thought He Needed | What He Actually Needs | Why It Matters |
|---|---|---|
| Me to solve problems for him | Time and space to struggle independently | Struggle builds problem-solving skills |
| Perfect explanations of concepts | Encouragement to find resources together | Teaches self-directed learning |
| Demonstration of math competence | Model of positive attitude toward challenges | Attitude is contagious |
| Answers to every question | Support in seeking answers elsewhere | Develops resourcefulness |
| Protection from struggle | Comfort during struggle | Builds resilience |
This reframe was liberating. My son doesn't need a math expert for a mother. He needs a supportive, encouraging presence who helps him develop his own capabilities. That's something I can absolutely provide—maybe even better than a math whiz who might inadvertently create dependency.
Why Your Math Weakness Might Be a Hidden Advantage
Here's a counterintuitive truth I've discovered: parents who struggle with math sometimes raise more capable math students than parents who find math easy. It sounds backwards, but the logic is solid.
Advantage 1: You Can't Create Dependency
Math-competent parents often fall into the trap of solving problems for their children—it's faster and less frustrating than watching them struggle. Since I can't solve the problems quickly anyway, my son has learned to try multiple approaches independently before asking for help. He's more self-reliant than many of his peers whose parents provide ready answers.
Advantage 2: You Model Learning, Not Just Knowing
When I say 'I don't know, let's figure this out together,' I'm modeling something powerful: that not knowing is okay, and that finding answers is a skill anyone can develop. Children of naturally gifted parents sometimes develop anxiety about not knowing instantly, because they've never seen their parents struggle. My son sees me struggle and learn—which normalizes his own struggles.
Advantage 3: You're Motivated to Find Better Resources
Because I can't teach effectively, I've sought out excellent external resources—apps, videos, programs designed by educational experts. These resources often teach better than I ever could, even if I understood the math. My inadequacy forced me to provide my son with superior instruction.
Surprising truth: Research shows that parental attitude toward math affects children's performance more than parental math ability. Your enthusiasm and support matter more than your expertise. A math-phobic parent who transmits anxiety does damage; a math-phobic parent who transmits curiosity and resilience provides enormous value.
Practical Strategies for Math-Anxious Parents
Over the past year, I've developed specific strategies that allow me to support my son's math learning despite my own limitations. These aren't theoretical—they're battle-tested approaches from a genuinely math-phobic parent.
Strategy 1: Be Honest About Your Limitations
I stopped pretending to understand things I didn't. When my son asks a question I can't answer, I now say: 'That's a great question! I'm not sure about the best way to solve it—let's look it up together.' This honesty has had only positive effects. My son doesn't think less of me; he's learned that adults don't know everything and that finding answers is normal.
Strategy 2: Become a Resource Finder, Not a Resource
Instead of trying to explain math myself, I've become excellent at finding resources that explain it well. I've bookmarked YouTube channels that explain elementary math concepts clearly. I found a soroban learning app that my son uses daily. I identified which classmates are strong in math for potential study group arrangements. My role shifted from 'math teacher' to 'learning coordinator.'
- •Khan Academy Kids for concept explanations
- •Sorokid app for daily mental math practice
- •Number Blocks videos for visual learners
- •Local library math tutoring programs (free!)
- •His teacher's office hours for specific confusion
- •Study partnerships with math-strong classmates
Strategy 3: Focus on What You CAN Provide
I can provide a quiet, organized study environment. I can ensure he has time for homework without rushing. I can celebrate his efforts and achievements. I can notice when he's frustrated and offer comfort. I can ask about what he learned (showing interest) without quizzing him (creating pressure). These contributions matter enormously—and require no math knowledge.
Strategy 4: Don't Transfer Your Anxiety
This is crucial: never say 'I was terrible at math too' in a resigned way, or 'Math is so hard, I understand.' These comments might feel supportive, but they actually give children permission to give up. Instead, try: 'Math can be challenging, but you're capable of figuring it out' or 'Everyone struggles sometimes—that's how we learn.'
Language to avoid: 'I was never good at math' (creates expectation of failure), 'This is confusing' (validates giving up), 'Just let me do it' (creates dependency). Instead: 'This is challenging—I believe in you,' 'Let's find a resource to help,' 'You've got this with some more effort.'
Breaking the Cycle: My Math Anxiety vs. My Son's Math Future
My biggest fear was passing my math anxiety to my son—creating another generation of math-phobic people in my family. I've learned that this transfer happens through attitude and behavior, not genetics. If I model anxiety, avoidance, and defeatism around math, he'll likely absorb those patterns. But if I model curiosity, persistence, and growth mindset—even while struggling—he'll absorb those instead.
Here's what this looks like in practice: When my son struggles with a problem, instead of getting anxious alongside him (my natural response), I take a breath and say something like: 'Tough one! What have you tried so far?' When he gets something right, I celebrate genuinely. When he gets something wrong, I say 'That's how we learn—try another approach.' I'm essentially performing confidence and positivity until it becomes more natural.
The Results So Far
My son is now in the middle of second grade. His math performance is solidly above average—better than mine ever was at his age. More importantly, he doesn't fear math. He approaches problems with curiosity rather than dread. He hasn't inherited my anxiety because I've consciously chosen not to transmit it.
| Aspect | My Childhood | My Son Now |
|---|---|---|
| Attitude toward math homework | Dread and avoidance | Neutral to positive |
| Response to difficult problems | Panic, give up | Try multiple approaches |
| Willingness to ask for help | Too ashamed | Comfortable seeking resources |
| Self-image as math learner | 'I'm bad at math' | 'Math is learnable' |
| Physical symptoms (anxiety) | Stomachaches, nightmares | None |
| Overall math performance | Bottom quartile | Above average |
The Technology Advantage: Learning Tools I Couldn't Have Imagined
When I was growing up, if you didn't understand your teacher's explanation, your options were limited: ask confused classmates, have equally confused parents try to help, or simply not learn. Today's children have access to patient, adaptive, always-available learning tools that can explain concepts in multiple ways until one clicks.
My son uses a soroban learning app that has become central to his math development. The app never gets frustrated. It explains concepts in ways specifically designed for his age group. It adjusts difficulty based on his performance. It provides immediate feedback without judgment. I couldn't provide any of this myself—but I can ensure he has access to it.
This is the modern parent's secret weapon: we don't have to be experts at everything anymore. We can connect our children with expert-designed resources while providing the emotional support that technology can't replace. It's a division of labor that plays to everyone's strengths.
FAQ: Questions from Math-Anxious Parents
Won't my child lose respect for me if I admit I can't do their math?
In my experience, the opposite happens. Children respect honesty and authenticity. When I admitted my limitations and showed how I handle not knowing something (by seeking resources, staying positive, persisting), my son gained respect for my approach to challenges. What damages respect is pretending to know, getting frustrated, or making the child feel bad for asking.
What if modern math is completely different from what I learned?
It often is—and that's actually fine. Modern math curricula emphasize conceptual understanding and multiple approaches rather than rote memorization. You don't need to learn the new methods; your child is learning them at school. Your role is support and encouragement, not instruction. When the approaches differ from what you remember, simply say 'Show me how your teacher does it' and learn together.
How do I help with homework if I genuinely don't understand it?
Focus on process, not content. Ask: 'What have you tried?' 'What do you think the problem is asking?' 'Where did you get stuck?' These questions help your child think through the problem without requiring you to understand the math. If they're truly stuck, find a resource together—a video, a worked example, or a call to a math-confident friend or family member.
A Message to My Fellow Math-Phobic Parents
If you've read this far, you probably share my history with math—the anxiety, the avoidance, the fear of passing it to your children. I want you to know: you are not disqualified from helping your child succeed in math. Your limitations are not your child's destiny.
What your child needs from you isn't mathematical knowledge. It's love, support, encouragement, and resources. It's a parent who believes in them even when they struggle. It's someone who models healthy responses to challenges. It's an advocate who ensures they have access to good learning tools. These are things you can absolutely provide—perhaps even better than a math whiz who never struggled.
My son is developing a healthy relationship with math that I never had. Not despite my limitations, but in part because of how I've chosen to handle them. Your math anxiety can become a source of strength if you use it to develop better support strategies rather than transmit the anxiety itself.
Remember: Your child doesn't need you to be good at math. They need you to be good at believing in them, supporting them, and helping them find the resources they need. That's something every parent can do, regardless of their own math history.
Taking the First Step
If you're ready to support your child's math learning despite your own anxiety, here's where to start. First, identify one quality learning resource—an app, a video channel, a tutoring program—that can handle the instruction you can't provide. Second, practice responding to homework requests with curiosity rather than anxiety. Third, celebrate effort rather than just correct answers.
These small shifts compound over time. Your child will develop their own math abilities, independent of yours. And you'll discover that being a supportive parent doesn't require being an expert—it requires being present, positive, and resourceful. Those are skills you already have.
Support your child's math learning without needing math expertise. Sorokid provides patient, adaptive instruction while you provide encouragement and love—the perfect partnership for math-anxious parents.
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