My Child Fears Math Because I Used to Scold Her: A Painful Lesson I Realized Too Late
Every time she got it wrong, I'd sigh, frown, and ask coldly 'Why did you get it wrong again?' I didn't yell. But one night she cried and said 'I hate learning.' That's when I understood what I'd done.
'Why is this one wrong?' 'What's 5+3? We just learned this!' 'Are you even paying attention?' Those were the things I said to my daughter every evening. I didn't yell. I didn't hit. But my voice was cold, my face disappointed, my sighs heavy. Until one night, my daughter started crying mid-homework and said: 'I hate learning math! I don't want to learn anymore!' That's when I finally understood: I wasn't helping her. I was destroying her.
I Thought I Was Helping
My daughter was in 2nd grade. Math wasn't terrible, but she made 'silly' mistakes constantly. 6+7 became 12. 15-8 became 6. Simple calculations, wrong over and over.
I thought: 'I need to be strict so she'll focus.' I didn't yell or hit, but every time she got something wrong, I'd sigh. I'd furrow my brow. I'd ask in a tired voice: 'Why did you get it wrong again?'
I thought I was being 'disciplined,' 'strict,' 'for her own good.' I didn't realize I was destroying her joy of learning day by day.
That Night
It was a Tuesday. Math homework. She got the first problem wrong. I sighed. Second problem wrong. I frowned harder. By the fifth wrong answer, my voice was icy: 'Did you even try?'
She put down her pencil. Her chin trembled. Then she burst into tears: 'I hate math! I hate learning! I don't want to do this anymore!'
I was shocked. Where did this come from?
And then I saw it clearly: It came from me. Every sigh. Every disappointed look. Every cold 'why did you get it wrong?' I had taught my daughter that making mistakes was shameful. That math was something to dread. That learning meant disappointment.
What I Didn't Understand About Children
Children Read Emotions, Not Words
I never yelled 'you're stupid.' But my sighs and frowns communicated it anyway. Children are exquisitely attuned to our emotional states—they feel our disappointment even when we try to hide it.
Anxiety Impairs Learning
When children feel stressed, their brains release cortisol. Cortisol impairs working memory—exactly what they need for math. My 'strictness' was making her worse at math, not better.
Mistakes Are How Brains Learn
Neuroscience shows that mistakes activate learning. But only when mistakes feel SAFE. When mistakes are met with disappointment, the brain learns to avoid trying—not to learn from errors.
What I Changed
Change 1: Separating Her Worth from Her Performance
I started saying explicitly: 'Getting this wrong doesn't mean you're bad at math. Everyone makes mistakes while learning. I love you whether you get this right or not.'
Change 2: Controlling My Reactions
When she got something wrong, I'd catch myself before sighing. Instead: 'Interesting! Let's look at this together.' Neutral, curious—not disappointed.
Change 3: Celebrating Effort, Not Just Answers
'I love how hard you're thinking about this.' 'You kept trying even when it was hard—that's what matters.' Effort praise builds persistence; outcome praise builds anxiety.
Change 4: Making Mistakes Normal
I started sharing my own mistakes: 'I messed up at work today. Want to know what I did?' 'I got confused by this problem too—let's figure it out together.' Normalizing mistakes reduced their scariness.
Change 5: Stepping Back
I realized I couldn't be both 'loving mom' and 'strict teacher' effectively. I let apps handle instruction and positioned myself as cheerleader, not corrector. My job became encouragement, not teaching.
The Slow Healing
Trust doesn't rebuild overnight. It took months:
- •Week 1-2: She still flinched when math came up, waiting for my disappointment
- •Week 3-4: Started relaxing slightly, fewer tears
- •Month 2: Began attempting problems without prompting
- •Month 3: Stopped saying 'I can't' before trying
- •Month 4: Asked me a math question voluntarily (!)
- •Month 5: Said math was 'okay' instead of 'hate'
The turning point: One day she came home excited about solving a problem in class. 'Mom, I got it before everyone else!' I almost cried. Not because she was fast—because she felt PROUD instead of afraid.
Signs You Might Be Making This Mistake
- •Your child tenses up when homework time starts
- •They say 'I can't' before even trying
- •They cry easily during learning
- •They hide mistakes or lie about getting things wrong
- •They say they 'hate' learning or specific subjects
- •Their performance is worse with you than alone or with others
A Message to Parents Like Me
If you're reading this and recognizing yourself, I understand. I was that parent. I felt terrible when I realized what I'd done.
You didn't mean to cause harm. You were trying to help your child succeed. But now that you know the impact, you can change. Children are resilient. It's not too late. The fact that you're reading this—that you care enough to question your approach—means you're already on the path to doing better.
Frequently Asked Questions
I don't yell, so I'm not causing damage, right?
Not necessarily. Sighs, frowns, cold tones, and visible disappointment communicate just as much as yelling. Children are experts at reading our emotions. 'Quiet disapproval' can be just as harmful as loud anger.
But don't children need discipline to learn?
Structure and consistency, yes. Emotional punishment for mistakes, no. Discipline means creating conditions for learning—not making children afraid of being wrong. Fear inhibits learning; safety enables it.
How do I stay patient when I'm genuinely frustrated?
Take breaks when you feel frustration rising. It's better to say 'Let's take a 5-minute break' than to let frustration leak out. Also consider whether you should be teaching at all—sometimes apps or tutors are better precisely because they don't have emotional investment.
Break the cycle of frustration and fear. Let Sorokid handle math instruction through patient, encouraging games while you provide the emotional support your child needs. No sighing, no frowning—just progress.
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